Unrepentant

Rumor has it that President George W. Bush will join former British Prime Minister Tony Blair by converting to Catholicism upon leaving office next January. When an adult baptized Christian of another denomination joins the Catholic Church, he or she must confess his or her serious sins to a priest (Sacrament of Penance/Rite of Reconciliation) before being confirmed and then receiving Holy Communion as a Catholic for the first time. Here is how I imagine Bush’s first experience with confession:

Priest: Mr. President.
Bush: Hiya, Father.

Priest: Mr. President, what would you like to talk about today?
Bush: Gee, I don’t know.

Priest: What I mean, Mr. President, is have you thought about the sins that you have committed in your life?
Bush: Father, offhand, I can’t think of anything that I’ve done wrong.

Priest: O.K., Mr. President, let’s try this. I’ll share some of the basic teachings of the Church with you, and you tell me whether you have violated them.
Bush: Sounds fair to me.

Priest: The Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2297, unequivocally condemns torture: “Torture which uses physical or moral violence to extract confessions, punish the guilty, frighten opponents, or satisfy hatred is contrary to respect for the person and for human dignity.” Mr. President, have you ever employed or condoned torture?
Bush (laughing): Well, I’ve tortured the English language on a number of occasions.

Priest: I see. Uh, let’s try something else. At the time of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, Pope John Paul II declared that the action did not constitute a “just war.” Would you now like to reconsider your decision to invade Iraq?
Bush: Maybe it wasn’t a just war, but, come on, it was just a war. A just war; just a war; get it? (Laughing.)

Priest (rolling his eyes): Let’s move on, Mr. President. The Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, 501, reads as follows: “Therefore, engaging in a preventive war without clear proof that an attack is imminent cannot fail to raise serious moral and juridical questions.” Mr. President, did you preside over a preventive war without clear proof that an attack is imminent?
Bush: Wow, juridical. That’s a fancy word. What does it mean?

Priest: Legal.
Bush: Hey, what are you, a Democrat?

Priest (sighing): Mr. President, I’m going to grant you absolution now.
Bush: Absolution? Absolutely! Absolution; absolutely; get it? (Laughing.)

Priest: God help us!